No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
