The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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