Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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