She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
