im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
