Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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