go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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