Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
