Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
