Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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