he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We're too hungover to prance.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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