Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
