he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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