u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
