cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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