We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
there is another microwave in the elevator.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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