If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
