The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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