Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
