There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
foreskin is a definite game changer
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
