and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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