I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
