Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
