4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I didn't shave. On purpose
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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