wanna go halves on a baby?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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