I want to walk on stilts...naked
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
