finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
