is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
