Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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