I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize