At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
