He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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