Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
