Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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