I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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