So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
