my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
