yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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