i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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