My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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