Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
