watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
