It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
