we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize