we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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