why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
