There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
