I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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