Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
