that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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