Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize