How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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