He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
