I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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