Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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