you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
