Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
