tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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