she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize