yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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