I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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