he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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