some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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