Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
