I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
